OK – I admit it. I have penis envy. Not in a “I want to be a guy” kind of way, but strictly in a “It would be SO much easier to have a pee” kind of way.
It really struck home yesterday, as I stood in a long lineup of squirming women, anxiously waiting their turn at a cubicle. The line snaked its way out the women’s bathroom door and down the hallway, completely obstructing the reception desk of the hotel lobby. A smirking devil perched on my shoulder kept muttering “Coffee, too much coffee…..must learn to restrict fluids at breakfast meetings….”
Surely there must be more than ONE women’s washroom in this hotel. “Oh yes!” you say – “Oh no” say the hotel staff. “Breakfast meeting participants must use THIS washroom and only this washroom.”
It felt like a weird Seinfeld episode, “No toilet for you!!” So back to the line I obediently went, wishing I had planned ahead before my bladder had reached crisis status.
Meanwhile, there was no lineup for the men’s washroom. The guys sauntered by us with a smug look on their faces, waltzed directly into their bathroom and were back out before OUR line had even advanced by two people. It just made you want to leap out and slap them in the face, especially since the quick turnaround made you wonder if they had washed their hands.
Actually, I considered barricading the men’s washroom and preventing any more guys from entering their inner sanctum. With the help of a few desperate women, I could have stormed the urinals, kicked out the guys mid-stream and seized the empty cubicles. The women’s line could be cut in half and the wait time would virtually disappear. And as for the men, THEY could argue with the hotel staff about which washrooms were available for breakfast meeting participants!
Architects must predominantly be men. After all, what female designer would allocate the same number of washrooms for men as they do for women?? Just think about it – whether it is the show, the theatre, a restaurant or any public venue, there are always lineups for the women’s washrooms and little to none of the same for men. It’s because of that penis. I tell you, men are just built for quicker, more efficient pees because of that little piece of flesh.
And camping. Or fishing. Or roadside bladder relief. Women have to do the squat and air dry maneuver thing, while guys just have to turn their backs, ready, aim and fire. They don’t even have to use their hands if they are at all coordinated and inclined to show off.
Have you ever tried crouching in the bushes, swatting away black flies with one hand while holding your pants out of the way with the other? Even if you do manage to deter the bugs that are dive bombing at your exposed butt, you also have to hope that you have estimated the tilt of the land correctly or you end up with pee backwashing the pants that are pooled around your ankles.
And while I am on this topic, I have to say one more thing. Guys seem to like to name their equipment. For example, I just finished reading a hilarious book called “I Just Want my Pants Back” and the author repeatedly refers to his penis as “Lil Pete”. In fact, he fondly refers to “Lil Pete” numerous times, as if it were a companion, a sort of “Best friend in a bag” and with a “Don’t leave home without it” sort of tone. I honestly don’t recall women naming their equipment the same way. Maybe the closest thing would be Dr. Bailey (Grey’s Anatomy) talking about her “VJJ” – but of course that is an entirely different piece of apparatus. Women just don’t seem to get much companionship from their urethras and frankly, I would rather hang out with my girlfriends.
So yes, I have penis envy tinged with some penis naming disdain. Freud would probably say that my disdain is really just a way of disguising my deep seated desire to have a penis. I happen to think it is really a deep seated desire for urination liberation and the freedom to have two cups of coffee at a breakfast meeting.